VAIN AND A GLUTTON

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. psalm 73:26

I'm struggling. Ok, I'll be honest. I'm sinning. The sin has to do with food. Sigh.

More to the point, gluttony. Glutton: one who eats to excess. One who has a great appetite or capacity for something.

My flesh and my heart are failing when it comes to fleeing from the temptations that food offers me. I've been submitting to it. Falling prey to the enticement it offers me. Weakening spiritually each time I give into it.

I've struggled with food addiction for most of my life. It brought me to a place where I became 90 lbs overweight, well actually 120 lbs overweight. I've lost 90 lbs so far. In the last two years (well it will be 2 years on February 25,2009) I've lost 60 lbs.

I remember the date so well because that day, in 2007 I was rushed by ambulance to the Hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack. It actually was a gallbladder attack. March 10th, I was rushed once again by ambulance to the Hospital because I had another attack.

The first attack changed my eating habits. From that day till a year and a half later, I cut out ALOT of foods. I didn't eat ice cream, chocolate, chips, apples (the apples really bothered the gallbladder). I didn't eat in bed in the evenings anymore.

Before the attack I was so sick because of the weight. It was difficult to get dressed. I had to sit on the bed to get dressed. Going down the stairs was a very slow process. I would get dizzy spells in the morning. I couldn't believe I had gained so much weight. I can't count the times I would cry out to God to save me because I was literally killing myself with food.

As a drunk, I would literally have bed spins laying down because of the food I had ingested. Each morning I would wake up saying it was going to be different, I wasn't going to be controlled by food anymore. Each night I would go to bed (eating away on something) and think what a failure I was.

Lately I find myself eating not because I'm hungry, but just because. I've been confessing to God, asking Him to forgive me for making food such an idol in my life, and for His healing power to touch me.

He HAS brought me so far. I know He won't leave me like this. I just get down on myself when I see me doing things that I thought I was done with, that I had been set free from, and now going down that path again.! YUCK!!!@

It makes me realize also though that in this battle over our bodies, minds and hearts; it's an ongoing one. One should never think they have 'arrived', that it's a done deal and the struggle will cease. It won't. We must be vigilant in our walk with Christ and make sure we stay close to Him and flee from temptations that used to have us in bondage at one time or another. One little slip and we can be moving right back into that pit of hell!

Those attacks were such a blessing. I remember the first one I had. That night in bed I had consumed ice cream with melted peanut butter and chocolate, plus a bag of popcorn smothered in butter, and before that supper was pizza (LOADED with cheeses, sausage, pepperoni and bacon).

When the paramedics came in, I started walking down the stairs to them. I remember one commenting to the other, 'she's walking downstairs'. I was thinking, 'there's no way I'm having you lift me up on the gurney and carry me down those stairs'. I was dressed in my grandmotherly flannel pj (I LOVE them, lol), hair that was greased as if it was a frying pan that had just finished frying up bacon! (that is how dirty it was), and I still can't forget, hair on my legs that could have been braided!

I'm back. I had to stop writing because the daycare children were starting to get up from their naps.

To be honest with you, these last few hours all I've been thinking about is just deleting this entire devotional. I keep thinking what's the point in sharing, God do You REALLY want me to share this, I don't want too, I don't think anyone is interested in reading about a woman who struggles with gluttony, and yes, very vain too boot!

Well, God won't let me go, I didn't have peace until I came here to finish this off. Like I've been saying, whatever Lord, whatever You want.

So we get to the part where my vanity really blossoms. The paramedics need to hook me up with all these gadgets to check my heart. Don't ask me what their called, all I know is they stick to your body and are attached to wires that are attached to a machine. Oh my, let's add to the list ' this woman doesn't even know proper terminolgy' . So the paramedic decides he is going to go UP my grandmotherly flannel pj. I'm thinking to myself,' NOT! he's going to have to go over all those rolls?" So I start undoing my buttons so he can start hooking me up that way.

As this is all going on, I have an oxygen mask on, the paramedic is asking my hubby how old I am, who informs him I was four years older than WHAT I WAS. Well, me, Miss Vanity, barks out loud, and in deep shallow breathes, because remember, I'm having a heart attack. "I'M 40 YEARS OLD". lol. The paramedic got a good chuckle out of that.

Well as the paramedic proceeds to stick all those 'thingies', he has to place some under my breasts. Well, remember, I'm 90 lbs overweight, I'm not a flat chested woman and there was NO WAY he was going to be doing any lifting. I wouldn't them lift me on the gurney to carry me down the stairs, you think I'm going to let him lift those? So I do it for him~! lol.

That night it snowed, TONS!~ When you have the ambulance called in our area, not only do they come, but so do the Firefighters and Police. LOVELY, and me with greasy hair and braided leg hair, and let's not forget my favorite grannie flannel on. I'm thinking to myself 'are they going to drop me with all this snow" I even asked them if they wanted me to walk to the ambulance, lol.

I walked outside on my own to the gurney. I got on the gurney by myself. VAIN! I didn't want them lifting me up. How this gluttony made me such a prideful person. I remember laying on the gurney and thinking (remember we still didnt' know if it was a heart attack), I may be dying. Will my hair dresser be able to wash my hair? She won't have to shave my legs because no one will see them, unless I'm wearing a dress. I was busy picturing myself in the casket, if your wondering what my rambling thoughts were about.

Than I thought, "Oh Lord, I'm not ready to see You. I have sinned. My heart is not right with You. Forgive me Jesus. Forgive me".

This will definitely need to be a two parter because your not even going to believe what happens the second time the ambulance comes.

At the hospital, the male nurse.....yes, male nurse. Isn't God hilarous. Me, all vain, greased up hair, and braided leg hairs has a male nurse WHO wants too stick those 'thingies' all over me AGAIN. Guess where he decides to start going to get them on me? You got it! Up from the bottom of my beautiful grannie flannels.

Well by this time, I was feeling much better and EVEN more vocal, so I tell him as I start unbuttoning my pj top again, "just go through this way, there are too many rolls for you to get by the other way".

Yes, I said it. Yes, my husband looked at me and than laughed in shock! lol lol..I'm laughing just thinking about it.

The male nurse asked me what I had that evening to eat. Remember vanity is a struggle of mine, and pride, so I tell him, POPCORN...I just omitted to tell him about the LARGE bowl of ice cream with melted peanut butter and chocolate. I was embarassed, I was ashamed to tell him. I could hear the small voice of God telling me, "your so ashamed of your sin that you are not telling him the truth about what you ate?" That was a really low point in my faith. To see how far I had fallen because of this 'addiction'.

I've rambled on far too long. Sorry, as you may have figured out already, I CAN go on and on!

I leave this with you:

When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before You.
Yet, I am always with You; You hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward You will take me into glory. Psalm 73:23-24

In my vanity, in my sin of gluttony, in my pride, in my turning away from His presence and His healing touch because of this addiction I had become a brute beast before God. I was senseless and ignorant. My heart grieved and I was filled with bitterness over myself and my actions.

YET,,,Yet, my Father is with me always, He holds my right hand. He guides me with His counsel and afterward He will take me into glory.

He has already done that. He has set me free. I'm not consumed on a daily basis to eat huge amounts of food. He has forgiven me, strengthened me and helped me to walk towards healing this 'temple' that is truly His, my body.

Plus, I make sure now my legs are shaven!~ lol.

amen amen amen

VAIN AND A GLUTTON

http://www.freespirithaven.com/2008/11/my-flesh-and-my-heart-may-fail-but-is.html