Part Two: SECOND ATTACK

and put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony. Proverbs 23:2

From the fruit of his mouth a man's stomach is filled; with the harvest from his lips he is satisfied. Proverbs 18:20

Please don't tell me I'm being hard on myself when it comes to gluttony. I have learned to forgive and not be so hard on myself. I really have!~ Of course it's all God's doing on that part. I no longer picture my throat being slit because I've been eating like a pig. I not longer sob because the struggle with food is so great that I could just die in misery. I no longer shove food down my throat while my stomach is ready to burst. God has been good to me. I'm learning to be good to myself.

Soooooooooooo, I'm giving you a warning. If your prone to any 'dribbles' when laughing, BE PREPARED!~ LOL..I'm giggling away here,,

As I stated in the last devotional, I needed to make this a two parter. Oh, the diva queen I am! giggle!

It's March 10, 2007 and I wake up having another attack. I know what it is this time and don't start having a panic attack (realized with the first gallbladder attack, I ended up having a full blown panic attack and thinking it was a heart attack). So I go downstairs and call the Hospital Emergency and ask for their advice. They give me a phone number to call, some Health Line something or other (ya ya, I know, still not getting the proper terminology).

I was having problems breathing so I was talking quietly and slowly. I call the Health Line place, I tell her my symptoms, let her know I had just had a gallbladder attack on the 25th of February and is it really necessary for me to go the Hospital? She is NOT very nice and keeps telling me to speak up. I try to tell her that I can't talk that loud (A TOTAL FIRST FOR ME,,LOL)...I'm laughing right now thinking on at that part.

Well back to the story. Finally she says, 'are you having problems breathing?' I said yes, and she said she was calling 911...Great! The paramedics are coming. THANK GOD, I shaved my legs, and alleliua, my hair was washed. I was also in another grannie flannel pj, but a two piece this time.

So off I go to the bedroom to tell my hubby. All this time my husband was still sleeping. My oldest son was up and was making sure I was alright. As I stated before, I could not talk my normal loud self so I pretty much left my husband sleeping in bed.

The paramedics arrive. Guess what? The same ones as the last time..I must have made quite the impression the last time because the paramedic said to me, "and your 40 right?" LOL. Still remembered my angry outburst, yelling through the oxygen mask what my age was when hubby made me 4 years older.LOL

The paramedic takes my vital signs and I REALLY start feeling BAD. I told him I was going to be sick. He takes out a bag where I procede to get sick! Well I don't like that and tell him I am going to the bathroom. He see's my mind is made up because I'm already climbing the stairs to go the bathroom. lol.. He follows along. I don't end up getting sick but feel SO much better.

I clean my mouth and blow my nose, a must when I get sick. Hubby is still sleeping in the other room. The bedroom door is open, the hallway light is on, we have two paramedics in the house, LOL LOL..I'm sorry I had to stop because I'm just cracking up thinking about this. My children now are all up.

Well back down the stairs I go and I tell the paramedic I am really feeling so much better and I don't think I need to go to the hospital. He said that my blood pressure was REALLY bad and he believes it is best that I go. So off I go, with my housecoat and slippers on, outside. Get myself on the gurney again. No thank you, don't need any help there!

I let my oldest know that I will be calling home later for a ride. YES, my husband is still sleeping..LOL.

I was sharing this with my girlfriend, and we laughed insanely when I came up with this comment:

The hospital has just called my husband to let him know that I'm dead.,,sorry, I'm laughing again here..yes, I do laugh at sick stuff, it is TOTALLY embarassing but it's the truth. I have to be honest. Ok, back to the the comment.

So the hospital calls to tell my hubby this. He's comment,,"no, she's in bed with me". LOL LOL..

I was not too impressed with him over that one. He did come to pick me up. Right now we are having this discussion on how did he get up and come get me. He just informs me, "I heard all the commotion going on downstairs",,lol. I yell back up to him (he's upstairs, I'm Italian and we can yell from across the room to one another instead of going to the person to ask them something,,lol) "Randy, you slept through the entire thing, I ended up going to the hospital by myself"..he's reply back is.."well I don't know". lol.

I think it was my eldest that finally got my husband up to pick me up.

Those two attacks changed me, not only the eating habits but my heart, my mind, how I spoke and what I believed.

From the fruit of my mouth my stomach is filled, with the harvest from my lips I am satisified. I began to speak words of life and not about this food addiction that had taken control of my life for so long. The food addiction was just the icing on the cake, so to speak. The inner part was where the true source of the pain really was.

I used to tell people, "there is a skinny person inside me just screaming to come out".

I was SCARED and PETRIFIED to lose weight. I was fearful of attention from men once I lost my weight, and fearful that I would succumb to the attention of men.

God is SO good.!~ That fear is no longer there. I no longer fear attention from men or that I will succumb to the lust that was a part of my life at one time. Just writing this out at this moment really makes me realize how set free I am from that. I'm blown away!~

I talked to ginny last night on the phone and she commented to me about not being so hard on myself. She is such a blessing to my heart and I have just gotten to 'know' her through blogland a week ago. Kindred spirit's, hand of God leading His daugthers on a path in our journey together. That's how I feel! I shared with ginny that I REALLY needed to write that devotional yesterday, and now this one today. I DIDN'T want to yesterday, my flesh that is didn't. God placed it on my spirit though and it wouldn't go away. Once I wrote it, I had peace.

Through writing it, confirmation of God's grace, leading, love, mercy, and strength upon me in this journey towards wholeness, holiness and blamelessness (Eph. 1:4) comforted my spirit. I didn't need to fear: "I don't want to end up where You found me", and "I can't bear to see the man I was come rising up inside me again". (East to West song I have on my blog).

That is exactly what I was struggling with BEFORE I wrote these devotionals. Fear of ending up back 'there' in that place of gluttony.

"Jesus, you know just how far The East is from the West. I don't have to see the man I've been Come rising up in me again In the arms of your mercy I find rest"

Today God lead me to a blog
http://paulaswalk.com/ where her words of 'released from' weight that she had lost, just touched my spirit so powerfully. It greatly ministered to me those words. She is now praying for me and I her on our journey towards being 'released from' weight that really is not from God!~

I also found Karen Deborah and was greatly blessed by her writing and can totally relate with alot of what she writes about.

I shared with ginny last night that I KNOW I'm sharing alot about my life, being totally honest here (Ginny is like that too, lol) in blogland, really the entire internet which means how many people could be reading this????

The ONES that are reading this though, the ONES that God leads here (I'm a firm believer that NOTHING is by chance), YOU, right now that is reading this; that He wanted you to read about my hurts, my pain, my frustrations and the addictions I've dealt with, the abuse I've experienced in my life so YOU will know your not alone.He wants YOU to know that what He has done in my life, He will do the same for you. He doesn't play favorites.

He wants you to know that no matter how much of a mess your life is, like me, it will become YOUR MESSAGE of His power and His glory in and through your life.

Oh my beloved one, I may not 'know' you yet, but God knows you and loves you and my heart, even though we have not connected 'yet', I LOVE YOU!. For those of you that I do 'know' I love you and I thank God for you. You have touched my heart in a way that you may never understand, not until you stand before God and He brings up my name and the 'journey' we have had together, will say,,'well done good and faithful servant'.

Thank you for visiting me here at Free Spirit Haven, the place where I pour out my heart, my everything that I am. Thank you for those that have said they will pray for me. I NEED so much prayer and thank God SO MUCH for the 'warriors' that He sends in my path to uphold me.

May God be gracious to you beloved and bless you and make His face shine upon you this day and always..
amen amen amen

Part Two: SECOND ATTACK

http://www.freespirithaven.com/2008/11/part-two-second-attack.html