I keep repeating "I don't understand". I don't understand when people do the complete opposite of what I have asked of them.
Now I am left with 'what do I do? When I say, 'don't do this', they do it anyway. What do I do?
When I say, "do this" and they don't. What do I do?
I am sitting here resting in the Lord and waiting patiently for You Jesus. Waiting for You to show me clearly what I am to do.
I sit and wait. I'm not rushing ahead Jesus to try to take control, try to figure it out, try to shove my way through. I sit and I wait.
I hearken my ear to the Holy Spirit's teachings. Telling me, 'this is the way Angela, stop Angela, go Angela.'
I quiet my spirit to hear His soft whisper of counsel. Revealing truths to my heart that I did not know before.
Jesus what came to my heart this early morning was I said no to the one that date raped me but he still took my virginity away and my life was forever changed.
I thought was this the reason my flesh struggles when I am faced each time someone does not listen to my words? Does the pain I experience each time I face this bring me back to that time?
To think I would never experience people doing the complete opposite of what I've asked them is a lie from the evil one. Of course I will face this. Again and again.
So what do I do with this? What do I do in this?
Holy Spirit this is the counsel I have received from You:
*When I was raped, I believed it was the end of my world. End of purity, end of someone loving me now that I was 'damaged goods.'
*I reacted in the flesh instead of listening to Your sweet words of love, salvation and restoration.
*I sunk into a life of walking in the flesh. Reacting to the pain and hurt by filling it with drugs, sex, a life of immorality and indiscipline. Ignoring Your call on my life by keeping my eyes on the sorrow. Looking everywhere to fill up the void when the only One that could was Jesus.
*When faced now with my words being ignored, my flesh desires to walk in the old ways of healing my wounds. Satan screams at me, bringing incidences over and over, like a whip to my back and a crown of thorns to my mind.
"Your life is over. Your damaged goods."
Today Holy Spirit You have shown me what I am to do. You have also answered my question of not understanding.
I am to rest and wait patiently. Do not rush ahead. Do not struggle for control. Do not focus over the injustice. Rest and see with my own eyes the salvation of God Almighty.
I understand that all that has happened never was to harm me but for my good. You are more interested in my soul than my happiness. More interested in my character than getting my way.
amen amen amen
5 comments:
That said it all, Angela. "You are more interested in my character then in my happiness".
And I'm so glad you are back.
There's only one person who I even remotely think I can control and even I don't do what I ask myself to do. :)
I love you sis, praying for you.
Amen, God's not concerned with our happiness, He's concerned about our holiness.
I can relate. Oh yes, I can relate.
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